There's A Secret Magic Past World

I kinda wonder what would happen if I hadn't moved down to Portland, and just stayed living in Edmonds/what I was doing in Seattle. I'll admit I was growing rather sick of the routine of commuting between the two cities, and I needed to get away from the bustle and pretentiousness of Seattle. But back there there was always someone, or a group of people, I could see on a nearly daily basis, and now that I've moved here I can't say how much I miss that. I haven't made a single new friend here yet; I'll talk sometimes with my roommates, just because we live in the same house, but otherwise I don't feel any deeper relationship with them. There's potential in some possible friends with my fellow zoo new-hires, and I managed to geek/nerd with the lead shift who was training me, which was really nice, so maybe something there. I haven't physically met anybody with 'PDX Pop Now!' yet, even though I've already started volunteering with them, but I think I'll get along with them. There's college in the Fall. And I must also say, it's been nice to connect with some family members; in the past year or so I've managed to understand and bond with family I didn't have much exposure to, which is again, really nice.

Being trapped in the 'city' is really starting to bother me. And though it's Portland, and really not much of a city, it still feels like. Don't get me wrong, I love biking into downtown, and the views from Washington Park, but it's still the city. Somehow back home I feel like I could escape this, even for awhile, be that just wondering a park, or just idling by the water; I dunno, it just worked. I need to figure out something here to escape this.

I hope I get over this homesickness soon.

It's Sunday morning don't need no money

I've had some wonderful adventures in the past few days or so. The other night Raven and I crossed the St. Johns bridge and did a night trek in Forest Park, and it was quite splendid. The clouds were mainly overhead, due to the weather of late, but occasionally the moon would peak out and the clouds would shift to sometimes reveal the stars they hid. I kept trying to imagine what the canopies and growth around would look like during the day. And today, I biked to the Zoo via downtown and it was also nice, you could see Mt. Hood somewhat poke through the tree line. The climb through the park was pretty difficult, so I think I need to do some more training before I try this on a daily basis. After my orientation wrapped up it was already dark and I decided to go back the same way, rather then try to climb Council Crest in the dark, and I must say it was amazing. I was the only occupant of the road for the whole glide (and I mean glide literally), and instead of an attempt to see Mt. Hood, I could see the lights of city center and southeast through the trees. It felt nice. I hope I have more adventures like this soon.

The Zoo job looks promising for the most part, more so for the long run. I'm not too sure how I'm going to pay for April's rent. Under current circumstances, I'm not going to make the money to pay for it...So hopefully, something will work out, that or I get a second job to quickly earn money. maybe I'll follow my folks suggestion and contact Megan them to see if there's some side jobs to decrease the gap of funds needed. We'll see. I finally heard back from the Portland Art Museum and I'll probably be an Exhibition Volunteer on Saturday mornings, if it doesn't conflict with my Zoo schedule. I also suckered into helping out with PDX Pop Now!, the ball just kept rolling with that and before I knew what happened I already managed to sit myself on a committee or two. I tried to limit my non-profit involvement to one thing in portland, but I just can't say no...

But this situation just makes me feel so irresponsible. I should've been more prepared then just two months for living. This going on top of my dilemma a month ago with my factor forgetting just makes me feel really immature. I should know to be better situated then this. But maybe I just like setting myself up for failure. I bet I'm just going to flop on financial aid again, and have to retract any of the admissions acceptances that I've received so far. Even at PSU I probably won't be able to manage the funds for that. I've already hit my pre-existing condition for insurance, that going on top of being denied for state assistance; even though I'm appealing the decision, it basically means I'll have to wait to be able to get a steady supply of medicine. And with the whole appeal process I just feel like I'm a trickster/liar...And for some reason I'm good at that sort of thing. Sometimes it feels like that's all I'm good at...No wonder people like Alex, Jane, and Russell hate me so much...It does feel like, at times, maybe I'd be better if I didn't try. But the result would still be the same, or worse. It really does feel like I'm destined for some sort of imminent failure.

And left to my own devices I probably would

In the hopes of writing a continual updated blog, I update again. This time though I decided to use an RSS feed and attach it my facebook, I do hope people read and/or comment my blog and unfortunately that doesn't work too well using blogspot alone.

I managed to get the job at the Oregon Zoo, receiving word back shortly after the interview. It's nice to say that the pressure of the job search is nearly over. I'm just waiting for the specific amount of hours I'll be getting; I need at least 20/week to sustain myself and pay the bills (with a little extra), but it would be really nice if I could have a little more. I also feel like I have the adequate breathing space I need to start getting involved in the volunteering world I love so much; I'm thinking of Portland Art Museum, though I haven't heard back from any of their volunteer coordinators yet. It's be nice to try and start that Vera-esque organization, but I'm not quite sure where to begin with that.

The living situation here is pretty much starting to settle itself down now. I have all of my belongings finally, and they're (pretty much) all organized in my room, or in the kitchen. Normally, I like to be out and about in the place that I live, but I just don't feel like I can do that here. I'm used to living in conserved spaces, not strictly in the sense that it's reserved or saved, but that it's used for a meaningful purpose. For example, back home the counter space was organized somewhat neatly to accommodate the allowance of preparing food, or the storage of supplies to used with eating. Here, the counter space is littered with old dishes, used cooking utensils left over, and spare food left over. It's gross, and bothers me massively. My roommates don't comprehend the idea of conserving space (i.e. the refrigerator), time, electricity, food, or money. And the lack of conservation, and the fact that I live in the same environment, kinda bugs me.

I wonder if I can get a single dorm, that way I can save some money for some international travel, like Iceland maybe...